Inspirational thought of the week:
There he goes
And he ain’t wearing no clothes
Oh yes, they call him the Streak
Fastest thing on two feet
He likes to show off his physique
If there’s an audience to be found
He’ll be streaking around
Inviting public critique
Boogity, boogity
— “The Streak” by Ray Stevens
Here at Bottom 10 Headquarters, located in the same medical tent where “College GameDay” ices down the knees of all the contestants in Pat McAfee’s kicking contest, we know what it’s like to recognize a streak, whether that run be good or bad.
For example, at this late stage of the college football season, one’s résumé is all about streaks. Yeah, yeah, we know all about Georgia not losing a game in two-plus years and the other seven undefeated teams in the hoity-toity Top 25. Besides, if we’ve learned nothing else over the past week (see: Pac-12 versus teams leaving the Pac-12, Big Ten vs. Michigan and fired coaches’ buyouts), it’s that the only true undefeated force in this world is billable hours.
But we live on the other end the spectrum, the side that doesn’t show you all the colors of the rainbow, but rather a big gooey wad of brown that used to be Skittles but is now just a molten blob under the seat of your car. We’re talking about losing streaks. And as you stroll through this week’s list, you’re going to see a lot of them. And you’re also going to get some of that multicolored goo on your shoes.
Don’t worry. You don’t need shoes. Because we’re going streaking.
With apologies to the 1950s Oklahoma Sooners, Joe DiMaggio, Frank the Tank and Steve Harvey, here’s the Week 12 Bottom 10.
1. State of Kent (1-9)
Nick Saban’s alma mater was supposed to be preparing for a Pillow Fight of the Week this Saturday, but Baller State had the audacity to earn its third win of the season. The good news is that win came over Northen Ill-ugh-noise, Kent’s season finale opponent two weekends from now, which should help the Golden Flashes in one of the Bottom 10 selection committee’s most crucial criteria, Weakness of Record.
2. UCan’t (1-9)
The Huskies faced Tennessee and James Madison over back-to-back weekends and lost by a combined score of 103-9. The worst beatdown for a Husky since my former dog Lucky, who spent his entire life chasing buses, finally caught one. Don’t worry, he didn’t perish. But most of his teeth did.
3. ULM (pronounced ‘UHLM’) (2-8)
Ulm, the Warhawks have a made a relatively late, ulm, climb into the crater of the Bottom 10 thanks to an eight-game losing streak, ulm, the nation’s second longest and a slump that is, ulm, all but guaranteed to reach nine as they, ulm, visit Oxford, Mississippi, this weekend, where I’d bet that, ulm, Wright Thompson, John Grisham and William Faulkner never used the word “ulm” in a sentence in one of their fancy-schmancy books.
4. Van-duh-bilt Commode Doors (2-9)
In case you were wondering who has the longest losing streak, it’s the Dores, who hit nine straight losses after falling 47-6 to South Carolina. This weekend, instead of being like the rest of the SEC and scheduling a de facto open date, Vandy has an actual open date.
5. Pokes, eeh, mon (7-3)
I’m a man! I (gave up) 40 (+ a Coveted 5-Spot)! To UCF! The week after beating Oklahoma!
6. Akronmonious (2-9)
The Zips followed up their Wagon Wheel win over State of Kent by visiting My Hammy of Ohio and adorning the scoreboard with the number that resembles a Wagon Wheel. Then they lost on the postapocalyptic playing field that is home to the Eastern Michigan University Emus. They close out the season seeking to make a statement in Ohio versus fellow Ohio staters Ohio not Ohio State.
7. The Pitt and the Pendulum (2-8)
The Panthers aren’t mired in a long losing streak, thanks to their weird win over ninth-ranked Louisville five games ago. But they did just help Syracuse end its own five-game slump. It’s hard to believe this team was in Charlotte just two years ago playing in the ACC championship. It’s also hard to believe these Panthers have twice as many wins this year as the Panthers whose stadium they played in that night. Someone needs to check the water at Bank of America Stadium. I think the sewer line might be connected to the wrong pipe.
8. No-vada (2-8)
How wild, wild west is the Mountain West? The Woof Pack reenter these rankings after two straight losses to former Bottom 10 residents Huh-Why-Yuh and Yewtah State, after leaving these rankings because they won two straight over former No. 1 Bottom 10 team Whew Mexico and San Diego State, which just announced the retirement of coach Brady Hoke. So, Nevada is now in the Bottom 10 with a 2-8 record, but the teams they beat are both 3-7 and ranked below them in the Mountain West standings. But they both beat Hawai’i, who turned around and beat Nevada. Reading all of this back makes me feel like I am actually in the Rockies and my brain is starved for oxygen.
Did I mention that whole lost to Nevada and Utah State and coach retiring thing? Did I mention it’s all happened in the past three weeks?
10. Arkansaw (3-7)
I spoke to the Little Rock Touchdown Club on Monday and after the speech visited with dozens of Razorbacks fans. At least six of them insisted that since Arkansas had just lost 48-10 to Auburn to put Sam Pittman on the hot seat, I needed to put their beloved Woo Pig in these rankings. I’m always a sucker for #Bottom10Lobbying, especially when it is in person. And especially when those people are pleading with me about their Hogs while handing me a heaping helping of ribs. I’m a sucker for a real-life metaphor. Especially when it’s slathered in sauce.
Waiting list: Sam Houston We Have Problem, EC-Yew, Virginugh, the entire lower half of the American Athletic Conference of American Athletics, whining because you don’t get the money from the conference you burned down in search of more money.
